Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Survival Mode is Exhasting

Survival Mode is Exhausting
I remember this time last year when I knew that spine surgery was inevitable.
My husband and I knew that everything else on the daily “to do” list would have to be put on the back burner.  We called it “survival mode”.  House is messy.  Laundry is behind.  Dinner is peanut butter and honey sandwiches AGAIN. Time with friends was impossible. And as far as serving in any ministry…well, we were our own ministry. We just needed to focus on my health and getting through surgery and on to wellness.  We just need to all survive.  And only top priority could matter.

When the time came for me to gear up for surgery…My amazing husband kicked into FULL throttle Super Husband, Super Dad, Super Cook, Super Maid…He was juggling it all.  I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have him as mine J   He is tough yet sensitive.  He focused on work and home.  Never stopping until late at night when he would get a little sleep and then get up early and start all over again.  I heard a message last week about how our works on earth are rewarded in Heaven.  That man is gonna have one massive crown waiting on him.  :)
Funny thing, Im almost a year post surgery and I feel that we are still in survival mode.  Wellness HAS come to me in some ways … but I grieve its absence in many others ways.  By now, I was supposed to be Super Woman.  I was supposed to be hiking with my kids and riding bikes in the park.  Enjoying my career. Serving in ministry. Meeting the needs of my husband and children.  ALL PAIN FREE, might I add.  The house is supposed to be spotless and dinner is supposed to be planned.  But, here I am. Stuck in survival mode.  It is better – don’t get me wrong.  But this chapter is far from over. 

I'm desperately trying to keep my chin up with being my own health advocate.  The days of going to one doctor and getting answers are over.  Being sent to a Specialist is good.  Until your physical problem is not diagnosed in their field.  BUT when you hear the words, “we could TRY to fix it this way”…and “spine surgery” in the same sentence your heart sinks.  Truth is.  No one can tell me where my pain is coming from.  Having another back surgery that “MIGHT FIX IT” just doesn’t sound appealing to me.

Honestly. Today.  I just wanted to quit.  It’s the ugly truth.  But after my cry-fest, I realized that if I am going to get better, it’s going to be because of something that I actually do.  Better said – “Something that God leads me to do.” 

I’ve been recently challenged to ask God what HE wants me to do each day in my pursuit of wellness.  I’m weaving God and Wellness together.  Realizing that wellness will not exist in my body without HIM.   He is showing me IN A HUGE WAY that this plan is His.  He is teaching me to ask Him for wisdom and understanding, He is placing great people in my path to be His example in this pursuit.  He is doing this Just for me.  Cause He loves me like dat!

I was kind of leaving Him out of that part.  I was doing what I was supposed to be doing as far as surgeons orders.  But my thoughts didn’t go past that.

So, here I am…still in survival mode. Only it looks a little different.  Less stress on my husband.  My pain level isn’t as bad as it was a year ago, so I am able to do more around the house.  I went back to work for a while…but pain kicked up terribly.  Pain has robbed me of my career.  It still robs me of doing a lot for my family.  It robs me of truth too.  Pain is Satan’s favorite tool for lying to me.  I am aware of that. (The jig is up Devil!)

So, Im not sure what the next step is in my wellness…but I at least know that it is THE NEXT step.  Quitting is still not an option. And, I may still be in survival mode…but, at least Im surviving. Right?

So, tomorrow, I will get up out of my bed, put my big girl pants on and God and I will figure Tuesday out.

The goal is to thrive…not just survive.   This scripture is perfect food for my soul tonight:
I am the vine, you are the branches

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